This blog is going about setting boundaries. There are lots of people who are not able to put their limits in the right way. They can’t protect themselves. It is easier for them to please other people than to come up with their own needs. It is very damaging for their self-esteem and their energy.
Many people are getting so stressed out that they are not able to work anymore. It is also my own story. I have been a people pleaser. I learned it the hard way to be egoistic because I have been ill. Because I couldn’t say ‘ No ‘ to people and put my own needs in second place, I had two burnouts. My needs were always less important than the needs of others. I couldn’t come up for myself.
NO, WAIT! IT IS ESSENTIAL; otherwise, you will not have a healthy relationship with others, and YOURSELF! But to get in touch with yourself and get in balance, it is vital to set your boundaries.
I have seen that most women have difficulties coming up for themselves. Of course, many women have families and mothers who were growing up suppressing their needs.
Boundaries are essential for having healthy relationships and healthy life. Unfortunately, many of us didn’t learn how to set boundaries.
Having healthy boundaries means knowing what your limits are. It is essential for creating healthy relationships. It reduces stress, anxiety, and depression. It shows a clear picture of you who you are.
I had two burnouts because I couldn’t say “No” at work. I am a trained nurse, and they asked a lot of me. So my trap has always been that I first looked for the needs of the other person. I had no idea about myself and what I needed. I was so drilled first to help others that I forgot about myself altogether. Til, I crashed! And I nearly died!
I don’t want that this is happening to you!
I stood beside me, completely out of balance. It has been a challenging and long way to recover, and I had to learn to walk again emotionally. Suppose you want to stop walking into burnout syndrome and maybe getting an autoimmune disease. In that case, you need to understand taking responsibility for protecting your emotions and your needs by setting boundaries. It is essential to see where your limits are.
Other people will always try to cross your boundaries. They are not bad people, but they don’t know your limitations if you don’t let them see where your boundaries are. So it would help if you got aware of where your limits, what your needs are. Feel into your belly! Get grounded again! When you change and get stronger, you will have many people, especially your family and friends, who will try to get you back, because they can’t cope with the new you. Don’t give in!
Why do we have problems setting boundaries?
We have learned to object to our parents in our childhood, but this doesn’t make our parents responsible for our lack. They have learned it the same way, and because it has been a completely different time they have been growing up, they didn’t know it better. So do try not to blame them, but take responsibility to get out of your disaster.
Now it is time to recognize your inability to set boundaries and take control!
I am a firm believer, and years back, I heard a voice saying, ‘If you don’t love yourself, you will not love somebody else!’ This is the truth! If you are a believer or not, you have to learn to love yourself; otherwise, you will not learn to set your boundaries.
What do we have to do?
First, you need to learn to feel what your needs are and what you think. You already do that. It is an essential step to your healing and becoming one again with your mind, spirit, and body! If someone crosses your boundaries and you feel refused, depressed, not respected, and loved, you feel already that someone has crossed your limits. But because you are not aware of your feelings, you don’t recognize that someone has crossed your boundaries.
First, learn how to recognize your emotions. It is not easy, but you can do that!
It helps to get distance by telling the other you need first to overthink what he has requested. Take your time and find out if you will go ahead and do what they have asked of you or if you feel your limit. By doing so, you take the time to see what your needs are. It is not egoistic! It is important to define yourself!
What can we expect when setting our Boundaries?
Now, if you change and become stronger and have more self-esteem, I tell you your world will change. What will happen? Your family and friends will not understand your new personality. It could be that they get angry at you because they don’t get what they want. They are not used to you saying “No.” Don’t worry! Just keep going; they will get used to it.
And people who are trying to make you feel guilty by telling you that you are egoistic or trying to manipulate you walk away. They are no friends, and they will never accept your change. It should not stop you from experiencing the new you!
Of course, it will feel strange, and you will feel anxious because you are fearful of rejection, anger, or just disappointment of the others. To withstand their feelings! And that will be the real challenge.
But know that these feelings are not yours! Stay in touch with your own emotions! That will free you from bondage. And know that you are allowed to feel the way you think, and you are allowed to say “STOP.” That is real freedom!
What does healing mean in this context?
Healing begins with you getting insight into your emotions. By having done something again, you didn’t want to do, you will feel discomfort. If you feel bad because you have also set someone’s needs before your needs, then you have already gone too far. But to feel the discomfort and just staying there in this feeling will help you to recognize the crossing of your boundaries by the other.
And that is the point to do it differently, take responsibility, feel into your belly what your needs are, what your feelings are, and then start to say ‘No”. Later, when you can distinguish your emotions and conditions from the other person, you can always compromise and see where you want to give in. But first, learn to stand firm for yourself! It will take quite some time. You are learning to walk emotionally again from the beginning, and that will not be easy.
A friend of mine has a daughter. I had observed her when she was a little girl. As she grew up, she said so firmly ‘No’ against everything. It has been like a game for her. I have admired this little girl for her strength to say “No.” But of course, her mother has allowed her to develop a healthy character. That is important!
We didn’t have this when we were growing up. So we need to learn it now.
To learn to be whole again, to become balanced, we need first to have healthy boundaries.
It isn’t easy in the beginning because we need first to define our real selves. And this will indeed not being easy, because for a long time we didn’t know who we are, what our needs are, and what we feel.
But I encourage you, put yourself into this adventure of finding yourself and finally get freedom. And peace!
Please, I would love to hear about your experiences. How do you set your boundaries?
To your health!